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#252488 1 year, 6 months ago

My mom hit her caregiver again today. She has been on a downward slide for some time now. All her family and friends have been, at some point, startled, angered or embarrassed by her behavior in recent years. Sometimes we understand, sometimes we snicker and sometimes we take some refuge in the fact that she has been diagnosed with Dementia, as her mother was before her. We can find cold comfort in thinking, this is not her, this is the disease. This isn't the person we worked with, traveled with or lived with. This is some strange creation of chromosomes and modern medicine. It’s easier if there’s an explanation. It’s easier if we can blame someone. It’s easier if we can blame her. She must have had some flaw in her character that brought this out, that amplified this personality trait. This won’t happen to us. We’re better than that. We are safe from this humiliation. That’s her not us.

But we forget. We are all flawed. In every being lie the seeds of its own demise. Behind all our brave words, fancy clothes and brash attitudes are studies of imperfection. We are all fractured. We are all broken. There’s not a person putting eyes on this screen that has not stood in front of the mirror while filled with sheer horror and contempt with what they see. We look at the reflection and are petrified that our secret will get out, that the facade will crumble and our well constructed defense will yield. Our ignorance, insecurities and inabilities will be revealed. We fight it like she does. She is, deep down, scared to death. The recipients of her rage are, of course, those closest to her and trying to help her the most. The truly indifferent are far from the experience of enduring this tragedy.

I am a horrible son. I avoid her calls and only visit when I must. I’ll ask her what she had for lunch, not being able to think of anything else to say. She’ll cover the weather report right off the bat and then drift off. I have some clue as to what she’s talking about after hearing reports from nurses and social workers. I resent the person who has taken over the slight body of a once towering woman. I am repulsed by her meanness and pettiness. I want to remember the young mother who dried the tears of an often teased little boy. I can see the successful business woman who paid way too much for her son’s paintings and filled out his applications for art fairs. I can hear the distant voice that told each of her children that they were her favorite and they all had something more special in them than anyone else in the world.

There is no rebirth or restoration this spring. There is only one way this pain will end. We all know it and even hope for it, if we don't wish to say it out loud. We can overlook this evil in our hearts, for we know that we are merely tissue and cartilage. We are all vulnerable to dark thoughts and we can't repel what we can't see. We are all conflicted deep inside, and we are all broken.

Last Edit: 1 year, 6 months ago by DrippingColors.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Chester, SunshineSue, iraqistatefair
More or less in line

Re: Confession

#252494 1 year, 6 months ago
Thank you for sharing that. I can see, that even in your perception of weakness, I detect strength.
The strength to carry on, even though you wish you didn't have to. The strength to endure what
must be almost unendurable. The strength to share your feelings with us here. I have dealt with similar
situations. Although, I don't ask for any comparisons to be drawn. We all have our burdens. Dealing with
aging parents is almost like the circle being drawn to a close. They took care of us. So, we must take care
of them. It is one of the most difficult things we will ever have to deal with. But there is a lesson there.
Sending you some vibes. (((((((Strength And Peace)))))))
I can't come down, it's plain to see.
I can't come down, I've been set free.
Who you are, and what you do,
don't make no difference to me.
The following user(s) said Thank You: funky420, DrippingColors
Platinum Boarder

Re: Confession

#252498 1 year, 6 months ago
My Father had Alzheimers, although he passed away before getting to the worst stages. For years he just had short term memories issues which frustrated him but which were mild enough for him to function in daily life. After my mother died, however, he took a substantial turn for the worse. I am an only child and I ended up having to deal with work, with him and with two houses (his and mine). It was very very stressful. Having physical issues as you grow older is one thing, the dementia stuff is very difficult on family members, etc. You have to be careful not to blame yourself for having a hard tie dealing with the awkwardness and stress of not knowing how to or being unable to fully deal with such a scenario. I was actually relieved when my Father passed away before getting to bad. He had no quality of life and I was basically to the point where I was going to have to put him in managed care, which would have been devastating to him.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Chester, DrippingColors
Senior Boarder

Re: Confession

#252500 1 year, 6 months ago
I'm sorry for your struggle and loss of what to do next. Both of my parents are still nearby my home so I can be the caregiver when needed. I can learn wisdom from your words and I wish there was a way to ease your mothers confusion. I do like the drawing of your "Mom" and I hope that you find the strength and patience to stay in her life. Please post more words and your art, cause it helps.
Last Edit: 1 year, 6 months ago by Cub.
The following user(s) said Thank You: DrippingColors
Platinum Boarder
The wheels are muddy, got a ton of hay

Re: Confession

#252504 1 year, 6 months ago
I feel for you bro-
But check this out-
Its hard- i cant even begin to comprehend, but although you want to see that woman who once dried your tears when others teased you....and you want to see her how she used to be: she isnt able to be that way anymore. BUT, you need to know that she once was that woman and therefore be honored to be in her presence and see her that way although she no longe can be that same exact way. Just know that this is the woman who did all those wonderful things and she gets a pass.
It might be hard and you surely can be angry, but you arent a horrible son, your a great loving son trying to deal with this and want her old self back cause she was so damn great. She still is that same woman and you can look at her and see the new her with regret and anger OR understand it is what it is and she IS that same woman that did all those great things for you-
and see her only as that. ONLY AS THAT bro-
chin up brother
chin up
for her.
Oh yeah, and if conversations get old, just tell her a joke, even if she doesnt get it. Shes going through alot and its expected every moment isnt going to be pleasant- so dont force it. Just be grateful to be in her presence and let her be grateful(even if she doesnt show it) that she has you- to be there and be understanding and forgiving of her in the condition she is in- and excuse her for how she acts. Just have her back. Talk about something new. If she doesnt repond well- dont take it to heart. Watch a nice movie with her(fried green tomatos is one of my favs, might dew well)
watch tv , play cards, show her some of your paintings. Maybe bring a dog or cat to visit her- pets are awesome with people struggling.
Maybe get some ice cream or make some home made apple juice pops
Make her have a good time-
Dont force it and hope she does.
Just enjoy her presence
Enjoy the presence of the woman who was an awesome Mom
No matter how she is now
Play her some music , maybe a nice bird song or dark star or peggyo or Black Peter
theres nothing wrong with talking about the weather
if you say i love you-
dont worry if you get an i love u back
good luck bro.

There is no rebirth or restoration this spring. There is only one way this pain will end. We all know it even we can’t say it. We can overlook this evil in our hearts, for we know that we are all made of only tissue and cartilage. We are all vulnerable to dark thoughts. We are all broken.

Try not to think like that man. Just try. Be the hope for her
Last Edit: 1 year, 6 months ago by iraqistatefair.
The following user(s) said Thank You: DrippingColors
ol chicken scratch
Junior Boarder

Re: Confession

#252509 1 year, 6 months ago
Life at it's most honest. It's brutal, like the old testament. Sometimes, unfortunately, the only resolve is acceptance. Thanks for being comfortable enough here to share this. You're definitely not alone, we all have or will deal with the aging of our parents. sadly, no one isexempt. This may be your next tour. Handle it to the the best of your abilities. If I have to reference a Dead tune, maybe Attics of my Life. When I had no wings to fly, you flew to me... Something like that. Bottom line. You are not alone.
The following user(s) said Thank You: iraqistatefair, DrippingColors
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